The last post I put up was back in March, right before I found my current job. Much has changed since then, I moved to San Francisco, live in a dump of a place, worked 12 hours everyday plus weekends... I haven't draw anything worth mentioning for...damn...8 months... I actually enjoy my work, or I wouldn't put that much into it.
I wasn't a good artist, never was, never will be. I'm content with it. I wasn't really good with writing either, Chinese maybe, English... too much grammar issue. Another thing is, well, there's no inspiration. I don't feel the drive the paint of write anything. I remember when I used to feel the force that drives me to create something. Well, none of those had happened for sometime.
All of these put together, I have 8 months of creativity blank.
Am I really a creative person? I feel that everything I know about myself is not accurate. I thought I'm an artist, but I seem can't wait to escape to management. I don't really feel "unhappy" that I don't get to paint. I don't have the drive to paint or create. Maybe I'm wrong about myself all alone. I'm not sure about my personal life either, I feel almost obligated to find or at least try to find a boyfriend of some sort. But deep down, I know I don't really want to get involved with anyone. I don't believe in love or human emotion that last longer than some brain chemical reaction. I don't believe I'm capable of having a relationship.
People have midlife crisis, I have mid 20 crisis and late 20 crisis and seems I just never quite figure out who I am and what I'm supposed to do with my life. Maybe this is life supposed to be, you keep searching and searching... and it's the journey that matters, not the destination.
0 comments:
Post a Comment